Resident Evil: Afterlife

I just don’t get it. I really don’t.

The first time I played Resident Evil, I knew that videogames were going to be different forever.  Terrifying, atmospheric and engaging in its narrative, it was an experience I’ll never forget. This is probably because I go back and play it at least once a year.  It’s a thing to be revered and savored, like a 1921 bottle of Dom Perrignon. 

Why is it then, that a film translation of this amazing source material cannot be realized in a satisfactory way?  Four times. Four times, now, we’ve seen the Resident Evil name attached to films that can be best described as mildly entertaining to outright dreck? Why?  How difficult is it to take Resident Evil and make a good, old-fashioned, scary movie? 

I’m actually depressed to give this film a review, so I’m going to do it this way.

THINGS IN RESIDENT EVIL: AFTERLIFE THAT YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE FROM A RESIDENT EVIL GAME

Claire Redfield –  Ali Larter – Truly beautiful, but as undeveloped a character as you’re ever likely to see. Oh! The thing stuck to her cleavage was in RE5.

Chris Redfield – Wentworth Miller – The tough guy from RE2 and Re5 reduced to a kinda tough psychic.

The Executioner – Some Giant stuntman – As seen in RE5, he wields a giant hammer/axe and has a fight scene that allows the audence to enjoy the 3d elements of the movie.

Zombies – They stagger until they have to run and then spit out poorly rendered mouth sprouts like the Plagas in RE5.

Zombie Dogs – You might recognize them from other cartoon dog shows like Huckleberry Hound or Deputy Dawg.

Wesker – Shawn Roberts – If there was anything to improve on in a Resident Evil movie, it would have been the voice acting. Unfortunately, his delivery is just as bad.

The Umbrella Logo – Yeah, its there.

That’s about it.

So, yeah. It kills me that there have been four chances to turn this amazing gaming franchise into a movie series and it just hasn’t happened yet.  It pains me even more that the games themselves have started moving away from the claustrophobia that made the earlier entries so singular and intriguing.

Oh, did you want a plot synopsis? Wesker and multiple Alices fight. Alice follows a radio message to Alaska and finds Claire. Then they go to LA. Zombies and an Executioner. Tig from Sons of Anarchy plays a douchebag, but not as well as Ty Burell did in the Dawn of the Dead remake.  They find Chris Redfield in a jail cell. Zombies attack throwaway characters.  They get on a ship. Wesker fight. The sequel gets a set-up.

Hrmm….

And now, let’s take a moment to look at some pictures of Paul W.S Andersons wife!

Just kidding. You’ve seen enough. Here’s a picture of two guys that should have been there at the movie I saw.

 Actually, in 30 years, that’s me on the left and Brad on the right.

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