2 Idiot Gamers

If you like your action with some well aged beef, The Expendables is for you.

A lot of of people and sites have been dogging on The Expendables.  This dogging unfortunately spoiled my opening day hopes and it took a few weeks for me to see it.  I can sum up The Expendables like this…”The Expendables is awful….AWFULLY FUN, AWFULLY GORY, AWFULLY AMAZING!”  This movie, much like Piranha 3D, is what you see is what you get.  If you go in expecting a popcorn flick, you will not be disappointed.  If you go in expecting Die-Hard, True Lies, Terminator, etc, you will be disappointed.  There is almost no substance or story.  The whole movie is there as a reason for all of the aging action heroes to strut their stuff one more time in a huge big budget action piece.  It fulfills many of the qualities I need to make a movie like this entertaining.  Does it take itself serious?  Nope.  Does it know this?  Yup.  Is the action big? Ayup!  Are there quality kills? HELL YEAH!  There is quality banter, some good one liners, and over the top kills that make you laugh and groan.

The plot is very weak, however its not about plot, its about explosions, bullets, big knifes, and a repeating shotgun that shreds/explodes anything it is pointed at.  The mercs, named he Expendables, are hired to take out a dictator in a South American island.  Thus allowing the CIA to create their own regime change.   There are a few snags, some shots are fired, stuff blows up and we move on.  And I am not kidding there is the most powerful shotgun is the history of cinema in this movie.  These shells are explained as shredding shells, they do more then shred.  They adapt to what they need.  Need to cut down a tree, use the shotgun.  Need to make a elevated gun nest explode, use the shotgun.  It is so over the top it is great.  Much like some of the one on one fights that occur.  There is a car chase that leads to a Lundgren v Li fight.  There is a decent Stallone v Austin fight.  All of which are fun, exciting and just crazy.

The acting is tolerable.  You know what you are in for when you realize Statham is the best actor in the lot.  Again, we aren’t here for Oscar material, we are here to watch Lundgren fight Jet Li.  Steve Austin fight Stallone.  Oh and if I am giving anything away, you are really going to love this movie then!  It is pure over the top action with little substance.  A B-Movie with an A-movie budget.

If you are someone that remembers and appreciates the action movies of the 80′s this one is right up your alley.  There is not much here, because honestly there is not much to write about.  If you like some good action, some old actors hamming it up and having a good time, then this is right up your alley.  It is the summer action popcorn movie.

Jeezus. Where to start?

I can’t imagine that anyone at Platinum Dunes is a fan of horror. Their list of offenses over the past few years reminds me of a twisted version of the Cleveland Indians owner in Major League.

"I don't just want them to lose. I want them to finish....dead last."

It seems like they actively want to destroy franchises, but can’t because the fans still buy season tickets no matter how bad the players perform.  The twist here is that Charlie Sheen and Tom Berenger aren’t around to save the day.  No, the only thing saving these remakes is the audience who keeps paying money to see them.

There’s no reason for this movie other than an insatiable addiction to money on the part of Michael Bay.  It does nothing to improve upon the original and does everything to undermine its memory.  These characters are not people you will relate to or empathize with.  You will not root for their success, nor will you feel a thing when they fail.  There is never a point where you will fear the new Freddy.  There are ”jump-moments” that may give you a much needed jolt, but the same effect can be achieved by pulling the old “cat leaps out of the cupboard/dumpster/ medicine chest” device.

Jackie Earle Haley, an actor who is currently enjoying a resurgence of popularity due to great performances in films like Watchmen, and Shutter Islandand FOX’s wonderful series Human Target, misses the mark as the new incarnation of Freddy Krueger.  He recycles the Rorschach voice and never really seems to be relishing his handiwork like Robert Englund did in the original.  The more authentic make-up of this new vision works against him as well.  It’s very convincing and he does look very much like an actual burn victim, but that’s more of a problem than a benefit.  It drastically limits his facial movement and, thus, his ability to emote from under it.

Keep a stiff upper lip, Freddy! And the rest of your face, while your at it.

He still sports the three familiar accouterments of the original Freddy; the claw, the fedora and the striped sweater. However, unless I missed something, the claw no longer makes sense and here’s why;  Freddy is a child molester in this version. Molester. Not a killer, like in the 1984 version.  If he never killed any children before being burned to death by angry parents, why did he construct the glove in the first place?  Was it to help him prune bushes in his job as “gardener at a pre-school”? If so, that’s never shown.  Did he make the claw because his psychosis was escalating and he planned to start killing had he not been stopped? Who knows.

Is he guilty? Is he innocent?

There’s also an attempt to inject a bit of mystery into the whole Freddy situation, in that the question is raised as to his actual guilt.  Is he innocent and seeking revenge against the children who lied? Or is he guilty and seeking revenge against the children who told the truth?  If you think a Platinum Dunes production would have the balls to take the edgier road on this question, you are mistaken.

I read an interview with JEH where he stated that he was signed on for sequels.  Unless Platinum Dunes can pull their shit together, I hope he can wriggle his way out of it.  He’s too good an actor to be in this kind of thing.  So is Clancy Brown, for that matter.  Everyone else in the cast, however, is firmly in their comfort zone.  The kids being hunted are utterly forgettable and are played by the usual twenty-something actors who are playing high-school students.  Maybe the statistics about elevated hormones in milk are true, but I don’t recall that many juniors in my high school days sporting full beards.

The effects are a mix of acceptable practical gore and some slightly sub-par CGI.  Nothing too great, but nothing too dreadul either in that department.  There’s really nothing here to garner its R rating, except perhaps the whole “child-molestation” premise. I’m sure the Bluray/DVD release will feature an uncut version, but a few more seconds or the red stuff won’t even come close to warranting giving this look.

As I walked home from the theater, I pondered that my money would have been better utilized had I given it to a homeless person.  But then I thought better of it.  What if I had done it and that homeless person had used the money to see A Nightmare on Elm Street?  I’d feel bad.  I don’t want that kind of responsibility.

Me: “Now, this money is for wine! Understand? This is not for A Nightmare on Elm Street.”

Homeless Guy: “Yeah, yeah, man. I gotcha.”

Me: “I’m serious!  Next time I see you, you’d better be drunk! Don’t you let me catch you coming out of the movie theater!”

In summary, it’s a sad statement when Freddy vs Jason is a better watch than the F13 remake and now the Nightmare on Elm Street one as well.

A far more frightening NoES re-imagining! Almost as horrifying as Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day!

As I said during last weeks podcast, I wanted to branch out a little and include a movie review or two in addition to our usual erudite observations on video games.  So, last night, as I finished up at work, I decided that I would stop on the way home and take in Martin Scorceses’ new offering, Shutter Island. I’d been intrigued by the previews and also by the top-notch cast involved. Also, $11 for a movie is easier for me to afford than $60 for a new game at this point!

There’s a lot going on on Shutter Island.  U.S Marshalls Teddy Daniels (Leonardo DeCaprio) and Chuck Aule (Mark Ruffalo) arrive at the insane asylum located on the titular island in response to reports of a missing patient.  Daniels shows up without luggage, but carries with him plenty of baggage of the emotional variety having lost his wife to arson in an apartment fire as well as having witnessed the atrocity of the Dachow liberation in WWII.  DiCaprio plays this haunted lawman twitchy and in pain,  all the while invoking memories of Jack Nicholson in Chinatown, only without the sense of humor.

The duo encounter the expected amount of resistance from the guard staff and endure a steady barrage of enigmatic non-answers from the psychiatric staff in the characters of Dr. Cawley (Ben Kingsley) and Dr. Naehring ( Max Von Sydow).  They provide that familiar kind of boiler-plate doctoral evasiveness we’ve come to expect from psychiatrists in their position.

This is what happened the last time Max Von Sydow ran an insane asylum!

I was also a bit crestfallen to see such a roster of supporting actors log-in such little screen time. Ted Levine (Silence of the Lambs’ Buffalo Bill), Elias Koteas (Fallen), Patricia Clarkson (The Green Mile) are all limited to one scene of dialogue apiece.  Their performances are all well-realized, but I would have liked to have seen their characters more fleshed out, especially Clarkson, whose single scene raises more questions than answers.  I suppose it’s not their journey, though. Also, the suddenly omni-present Jackie Earl Haley (Watchmen, Nightmare on Elm Street and FOX’s  Human Target) appears in one scene as a patient buried in the depths of the Criminal Ward and gives a wonderfully creepy performance.

Jackie Earl Haley cornering the market on creepy characters in the new decade.

As the story unfolds, the usual questions are raised.  Who can be trusted? What’s real and what’s hallucination? To say much more about the specifics of the narrative runs the risk of ruining the film for anyone who hasn’t seen a movie of this type before.  On that assertion, I will make a point of mentioning a film that has told this story before. William Peter Blatty’s 1980 film The Ninth Configuration (also known as Twinkle, Twinkle Killer Kane) told a very, very similar story two decades ago.  Not to take away from the atmosphere and workmanship of  Shutter Island, but anyone who has seen the 1980 film will have no trouble figuring out where the story of Edward Daniels will conclude.

If you liked Shutter Island, give this one a look too.

Despite the adverting campaign, you likely won’t be scared by what you see here.  You may be mildly unsettled or, from time to time, chilled by the visuals but this is in no way a horror film.  A better mix of psychosis and true terror can be found in films like Jacobs’ Ladder or the aforementioned Silence of the Lambs.

Now, I’ll be the first to proudly say that I’m a Scorcese fan. There are very few filmmakers now, or ever, who possess his level of craftsmanship.  That said, Shutter Island does not feel like a Scorcese experience.  This film will, undoubtedly, be remembered come next years Oscars, but I have to wonder if it will be for its’ content or for the iconic director who helmed it.

You can pick up the The Ninth Configuration Here